MY STORY

When I started high school, I was very excited to start a new beginning with many things. First of all, I was finally done with ESL system in my 8th grade, and second of all, I felt a bit more confident that I can do it all on my own. Since high school systems in America have sports, I thought why not try out for volleyball since I love playing it. I was not aware of the challenges of the tryouts. Indeed, I was very sore after each day, and I did not know anything about fitness. So I kept going with the tryouts until last day. I was not surprised that I did not make the team, and after that, I thought to myself, maybe sports are not for me. In high school, like many girls and young teenagers, I struggled with self-image and self-esteem. I wanted to look skinny and be thinner than I was. In my freshman year, I was chubby but not very overweight.

 

    All I remember from my high school and middle school years is that I had two friends that did not have much positive influence. One of my friends in high school tried to help me lose weight the unhealthy and dangerous way. I was very naïve to believe in the suggestions and act upon them. My friend taught me about throwing up after I eat, so the food does not add up in my body. Honestly, I do not know why I was foolish enough to take in that advice and do it. And so I did it on and off for while even though at the beginning I was afraid of doing it. I also remember that I kept it hidden from my parents for a while. Most definitely, I recall feeling guilty and ashamed of myself for doing it but I got into itthat I did not know how to get out of it. I remember that when I tried to stop from throwing up, I just ate and ate. It was a cycle of binge eating and throwing up. I did gain weight and became more self-conscious about myself, but I did not know how to get out of it. I felt embarrassed as well as ashamed to tell anyone.

 

    One day I was caught in the bathroom throwing up by my mom. She had suspicions of me but was never certain until she caught me. After then, I had stopped throwing up but binge eating was definitely a side effect that I got into for a very long time. In my sophomore year, I was in Starbucks with my math teacher and classmates for her after-hours math help. Because I felt comfortable sharing with her, I confessed my secret about my throwing up and binge eating. Of course, she told my counselor about it. To be honest with you, at that time the concept of visiting counselor for personal and mental help was not positively looked upon by my culture and myself. I do not remember exact details, but my counselor tried of course to help me professionally. I agreed to not do it and follow the orders.

 

    In my junior year, I thought why not try sports again to keep myself busy and surround myself with positive influence. Thankfully, track and field were not hard to get accepted into despite the tryouts. Anyone was welcomed and at any pace. I felt really happy that I was part of a sports team. I was not the fastest person but I knew that I kept going even though I was always the last runner during practice. Exercising and running helped me deal with myself image, self-esteem, and my eating disorder. I know I was still on and off with my throwing up. I never ever shared with my coaches, my teammates or classmates. It was something hidden and secret until one day in my senior year my lips became really chapped. I will never ever forget this incident from my life. In my AP Gov’t class, I was sitting in class, and I was very embarrassed with my chapped lips because it was so bad at the point if I talked or laughed, they would bleed. It was during the winter season so I blamed the cold weather and chap sticks I was using. Therefore, my mom took me to our family doctor at that time. At that time, our doctor was a very nice Pakistani woman. And that visit, I finally confessed to both the doctor and my mom that I have been throwing up lately to let go of what I was eating. This was before spring season which was when I had track and field. Until today, I cannot forget the reaction by my doctor when she found out that about me. She looked at me judgmentally. I remember coming out of the doctor building really mad and told my mom, “See, this is why I don’t want to speak up about it to the doctor or anyone, because I know I will be judged and looked negatively upon.” But my lips were chapped because of the laxatives and fluids I was losing as well as the poor diet.

 

    So I promised my mom and the doctor to stop throwing up and work on improving my diet. I remember signing up for a winter track and field conditioning program to help athletes get ready for the season. I took advantage of the opportunity and signed up because I remembered exercising and staying active helped me a lot to deal with my issues. When the season started, I was more prepared than the previous year. Both years I tried something different. I remember one year I did sprint and another year I did distance to see which one I liked more.